Masters of the Universe

I kind of felt like Heman (er...Shewoman?), Master of the Universe last weekend. I never knew I could seemingly control the world around me. This is what happened:

Last weekend, I frolicked in Western Nebraska with a couple of friends. That's right, we frolicked because honestly, what else are you going to do there? I think we literally did everything you could possibly do amongst those windy, sandhill-y plains (Carhenge, Chimney Rock, the Sandhill Crane Migration, the Grand Re-Opening of Safeway in Alliance, NE--this was a BIG deal, by the way...). The trip had everything to do with the people I was with and very little to do with the great entertainment we were going to find once we got there.

(Playing at Carhenge)

But, I digress. On this trip, we pretended to be birdwatchers.

While we were birdwatching, I heard a birdcall I didn't recognize. Abby informed me it was a meadowlark. I asked her to point one out to me when she saw one so I would be able to add it to my list of 7 birds I can readily recognize (robin, quail, cardinal, blue jay, oriole, eagle, and owl...um, I'm only sort of kidding about this...). We were driving along and she saw one sitting on a fencepost. Go here to see/hear a Western Meadowlark. We pulled up beside the silent, unsinging bird. Abby said, "Sing, Meadowlark!" And. It. Did. As if on cue. Evidence #1.

A little while later, while I was perusing a bird book we'd been using to do fake birdwatching, I came across the Sandhill Crane information. Now, this was actually one of the reasons we'd trekked to Western Nebraska--to see the Sandhill Crane Migration. It was really quite cool. By the time I was reading about them, we were out of their main migration zone, which made me kind of sad because I wanted to hear the call of the sandhill cranes described in the book: gar-oo-oo! gar-oo-oo! I casually mentioned, "Dang, I wish we were still in the crane zone so we could hear what they actually sound like." A half-mile down the road, we look in a field to the left to see hundreds of them in a random field.

Evidence #2.

A little while LATER, while hiking around Courthouse Rock, we realized we hadn't seen any grasshoppers all day which was going to be a problem if we were going to catch and eat them, as my friend Mili so desperately wanted to do (Yeah, that's another story...). I suggested we call them to us and said, very dramatically, with arms outstretched: "Grasshoppers! Come to us!" Would it surprise you to hear that not 3 seconds later, a grasshopper hopped across the path? It should not surprise you. We've developed a theme here. Evidence #3.

(The grasshoppers that came, dead in a frying pan of onions. And yes, we ate them.)

On our way out from Chimney Rock, Abby inquired as to whether or not Mili had ever touched an electric fence. She had not. Would she like to? Absolutely. We pulled over for her to experience said touching of said electric fence but alas! The fence was not live. Throughout the day, we watched for one, to no avail. Finally, it dawned on us. We needed to call it to us. Jokingly, Abby called. We crested the hill on the road, and behold (I'm totally not kidding, by the way), an electric fence! And it was live...
Evidence #4.

Kind of unnerving. Later, we tried to call the wind to cease to no avail. Dang. Now, that would have been amazing.

A New Endeavor

So, I was talking with my sister on the phone last night and she introduced me to the phenomenon that is The Six-Word Memoir. In a nutshell, this is how it works. You sum up your life in six words. Or, at least sum up some part of your world in six words.
Some examples from the book, per amazon.com’s “Look Inside!” feature are:

“Painful nerd kid, happy nerd adult.” -Linda Williamson
“Offered my heart, he embraced it.” -Sue Kimber
“Red-eye. Him window. Me Aisle. Love.” –Joanne Flynn Black

Since then, this idea has been lolling around my brain and I’ve come up with a few.
Six words on…

…the Pioneer Trek: “Celebrating Pioneers” produces blister from hell.
…Junior High band: Squawks ill-defined as music to ears.
…living in Nebraska: And the damn wind always blows.
…my favorite part of the day: My eyes close as I de-stress.
…truth I learned in 8th-grade: Turns out, I don’t have to.
…Reassurance from my mother: I am always proud of you.

What about you? What would your six-word memoir be?

A Foray into the West

So, I watched my first John Wayne movie this morning. Some neighbors in my ward were having a “Breakfast with the Duke” event that included a delicious breakfast with pancakes, fruit, an entire 9 x 13 pan of pork products (I had a sausage…it was delicious.), and a viewing of McLintock! (I have no idea why the significance of the exclamation point, but it seemed important so I didn’t want to leave it out.)

But, I digress.

Until today, I’d never seen a John Wayne western, or any western for that matter. The sum total of my knowledge regarding anything John Wayne or “western” included:
-Jackie Chan as Chong Wang in Shanghai Noon—and let’s be honest, the most notable of that movie is Owen Wilson as Roy O’bannon, the inept but certainly hilarious outlaw; think “I don’t know karate, but I know ca-razy.” Genius. Hilarious genius.
-John Wayne was a stutterer. (did you know this? This is critical SLP knowledge…)
-westerns looked b-o-r-i-n-g. Lots of range, lots of riding of horses, blah blah blah.

I actually debated whether or not it was worth trekking through the five inches of snow we got overnight for the shindig but, sad to say, the promise of a free breakfast pushed me over. I live for meals I don’t have to prepare. Really, I do.

But, again, I digress.

Here are some valuable life lessons I took away from McLintock!:
Lesson #1. John Wayne looks good in a holster.

Lesson #2. Although boys want you to believe westerns are man-flicks with guns and fights, they’re really chick-flicks with guns and fights peppered throughout to make said men think they’re watching tough-guy cinematic greatness. But, let’s face it, the story line was purely romance.

The Overall Formula:
Man/woman have grown apart, convinced they want divorce
Man/woman are forced to live in same house while daughter returns from college
Wild shenanigans result from living in house together
Hilarity ensues
In moments of heated anger, passion is rekindled
Eyes meet, they kiss, remember what brought them together in the first place
Live happily ever after

The “how-to-make-it-a-western” Formula:
Man/woman have grown apart, convinced they want divorce
*some men push each other around*
Man/woman are forced to live in same house when daughter returns from college
*a couple of guys punch each other to display manhood*
Wild shenanigans result from living in house together
*more pushing around, blah blah*
Hilarity ensues
*now let’s have a gunfight*
In moments of heated anger, passion is rekindled
*big brawl at the mine*
Eyes meet, they kiss, remember what brought them together in the first place
*many men fighting, shooting guns*
Live happily ever after

Lesson #3. Really, John Wayne wears that holster well. Very well.

Lesson #4. McLintock! is kind of obsessed with spanking grown women when they get too sassy. Moreover, the women seem to respond well to this treatment and don’t see any resemblance to domestic violence. Really? Mm-hmm.

Lesson #5. Have I mentioned that John Wayne knows the proper way to wear a holster?

So, my rating? I'd give McLintock! 3 stars-it was alright.

John Wayne in his holster? Two very enthusiastic thumbs up.