One Year

A year ago today, a friend, classmate, and colleague completely and totally unexpectedly passed away.  It has been an immensely difficult year for my friends, for our department, and me.

I didn't have a context to understand the true impact of suicide before November 5, 2010.  I now know that I hate it.  Everything about it is wretched and terribly, terribly sad.

I will miss him, always.  But, I know that I have been forever changed by this tragic experience, and in this way, his death has very much not been in vain.  I find that I am a little kinder, seek to be a little more in tune with those around me, and never, ever take small (or large) cries for help for granted.  I have become well-acquainted with the anguish of grief and have learned that it is okay to acknowledge things are hard and not going so well.  It is hard to be humble in that way, but grief manages to circumscribe your desire to be humble, and forces you to be humble anyway.  Which is good, because I have learned that humility is exactly what helps ease it.

I would have liked to have learned these things in another way.  And it is my prayer I will never land in this particular crash-course-of-life again.  Mostly because I would rather have learned these things with him instead of just because of him.

Life does go on, but this week in particular, the remembering has been powerful and often.

But, it will be okay. I have been freshly reminded that none of us are so insignificant and alone that we don't have influence on countless others around us.  And while it is something I wish he had fully understood, it is my opportunity to remember it and live accordingly.