Goal #1. I have a furtive goal to never be ambiguous. Put another way, I don’t ever want to be the object of a “male or female?” conversation. You know the type. It often involves a mullet, gender-neutral clothing, and overt signs of too much testosterone. If I’m ever encroaching into this territory, please, please slap me upside the head and help me.
Goal #2. I don’t want to be in a place where I have to wear a muumuu, not because I choose to wear a muumuu, but because a muumuu is the only thing I fit into. There is a particular episode of The Simpson’s that haunts me on this point.
If I ever proudly show off my collection of muumuus in every color of the rainbow or try to prove to you that the muumuu is the perfect article of clothing because it doesn't constrict my girth in any way, please, please slap me upside the head and help me.
Goal #3. I want to avoid the flaunting of accomplishments and/or mourning of disappointments greater than 10 years after they've happened. I witnessed a woman in her 40's regularly remind us she was her high school class valedictorian and another woman in her late 30's regularly sob because she didn't go to her high school prom. I remember thinking, "Wow. But, what's happened in the last, oh, twenty or so years since then?" If you ever witness said flaunting and/or mourning emanating from my mouth on any occasion on a regular basis, please, please slap me upside the head and help me.
Goal #4. I want to marry a big, burly man because of my own big, burly stature. When I was in Boston a couple of years ago, I saw this illustration by William Steig in the Boston Public Library
and prayed that I would never be “the potato” in a “string bean and potato” couple. I’m happy being the potato, but just let me be a potato with another potato. Hence, the need for the big, burly man. If I excitedly introduce you to my string bean fiance, well....just congratulate us on our upcoming marriage and move along.
3 comments:
You are so funny, Katy! I agree with you on everything...especially the muumuus.
I married a string bean with an insane metabolism but it was when I was a string bean, too. Now that I'm more potatoe than bean, it kind of sucks. He gets the evil eye every time he overindulges and doesn't gain one ounce!
I love potatoes! You most of all, my dear. And you know me, I will follow orders, so if I see you commiting any of these said mistakes, I will knock you upside the head. I have a few of my own, too, so I expect you to return the favor! "Sleep well, and dream of big, burly men!"
Katy,
I'm so glad you commented... or else how would I have found you. HOWEVER, I'm kind of excited I didn't know about this blog because now I can dig through the archives. I giggled my way through this post. It's made me contemplate what "those goals" are for me. I think I'll ponder this for a month, then record my own. I promise I'll slap you upside the head and help you, except on the last one. On the last one, I'll be so excited for you because sometimes getting what you didn't know you wanted is the best part. There's a long conversation in that and when I come visit you in Lincoln... we shall discuss it completely. I can't tell you how glad I am I found this.
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